The feeling is back again. i cant do my homework at all . my heart felt very heavy ... i am very afraif that that same thing would happen again.... what can i do??? save me from this drowning sensation... i feel like dying...

The only reason why i will feel that way is becos of yesterday's race...
i did not do my 100percent during the competition , i was so afraid i'd would lose, i didnt want to compete. Inthe end , i slowed down in the middle of the race and got the last position . dumb right?

I felt like a dead person ever since the race ended until just now. i couldn't forgive myself and i'm afraid that the same thing would happen again . I cannot go to xf and je**** becos i dont think they can help me and i'm afraid they will become affected .

I went to bedok res to meet RN , i treat her like my elder sis that's why i went to her.My parents didnt know cos they werent in singapore and my own siblings cant help me and i dont know why i didnt go to coach . She really cheered me up(i was really happy after talking to her) to be mentally stronger and learn to prepare myself before my race.

Now , i'm back to my normal self again. I got to stand up and show others what i am made up of . Who i really am and where i stand !

what's wrong with me !

argh !

i hate what i've done today !

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its not as easy as it seems to be....

i thought i will be happier... but i'm not.

time past very slowly today... i aint happy at all...

whAT can i do??

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i dont like it nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!







i didnt feel like competing its becos i felt very tired but that's not the main reason. I'm a loser , i dare not to compete... i am very afraid of losing... i dont know how to face the stress and pressure during a competition.... i hate it when i am such a coward. but what can i do... i tried to calm myself down but i was so stressed up , i totally forgot how i clam myself down last week.... i am really upset and disappointed with myself.eh , you are right.when i'm in a race , i'm representing tms and not zbout myself and winning.what am i thinking .... i really dont knnow...why i can trash others during trng but not not in a competition?? why cant i do the same thing like i did during trng?i always try to think that competition is just another trng but my brain doesnt recieve that msg , the pressure that is buliding up in my mind makes my heart and my body feel very heavy ...i really want to compete but how??? i love competing but i hate it when i'm always soo scare so nervous so stress...and i really never expect myself to feel so upset becos of today's race, i thought i planned it the way i want and i was happy with it. But deep inside my heart, i hate myself for doing that , i really regretted what i did, i didnt like it at all...i'm really affected by my actions.....

i am tired of this....i cant even take the stress from school exams .i hate exams , there's always alot of stress.i wonder if anyone on earth is more shi bai than i am.... i hate myself....